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Tables of Contents for Mom's House, Dad's House
Chapter/Section Title
Page #
Page Count
Author's Note
xv
Part 1 TWO HOMES WITH NO FIGHTING
3
56
1. Building a New Family Life: The Destination
3
13
Building a New Family Life
4
2
Two Homes Can Work for You
6
4
Managing the Goal of a Decent Divorce or Separation
10
1
A New Family Bill of Rights
11
1
When Children Do Best
12
1
The New Pioneers
13
1
How to Use This Book
14
2
2. Believe in Your Family: Dispelling Destructive Myths
16
11
Twelve Destructive Myths About Divorce
17
7
Taking Control of the Myths
24
1
Believe in Your Family
24
3
3. From One Home to Two Homes: The Map
27
11
The Map: Stages One to Seven
28
1
From One Home to Two Homes
29
6
The Crisis Periods for Parents and Children: Stages Four and Five
35
1
Unmarried Parenting
35
1
Remarriage and a New Family History
36
1
You and the Other Parent: A New Type of Relationship
36
1
Guidelines for Measuring Your Progress
37
1
4. Watch Your Language: How Words Help or Hurt
38
8
Stinkweed Words, Rose Words
38
2
What Children Hear
40
1
A New Vocabulary
41
2
Changing Old Habits
43
1
Advantages of a New Vocabulary
44
2
5. Your "Human Income": Increasing Your Resources for Coping with Stress
46
13
Changes When a Relationship Ends
46
1
The Effects of Stress
47
1
Your Resources for Coping with Stress
48
1
Self-Test: What Are Your Resources?
49
2
Ten Basic Rules for Making a Crisis Work for You
51
3
How Much Change and Stress Can and Should You Afford?
54
5
Part 2 MAKING TOUGH TIMES WORK FOR YOU
59
98
6. The Emotions of Ending a Relationship: The Wounding and Healing Process
59
17
The Wounding and Healing Process
60
1
Whose Idea Was This? Who Was Surprised?
61
3
The Phases of Ending a Relationship: The First and Second Waves
64
1
Treatments for Healing the Wound
65
1
The First Wave of Emotions in Detail
66
5
Addiction to Strong Emotions
71
5
7. The Retreat from Intimacy: How to Relate to the Other Parent
76
18
Negative Intimacy
76
1
That Old Family Feeling
77
1
From Intimacy to Working Relationship
78
2
The Three Basic Levels of Relationships
80
3
The Parents' "Business Relationship"
83
2
Doing Business When You'd Rather Do Battle
85
2
Self-Test: Are You Moving Away from Intimacy?
87
2
Guidelines for Your Move Away from Intimacy
89
5
8. The New Businesslike Relationship: Standards of Conduct for Parents
94
19
Standards of Conduct for a Working Relationship
95
2
Whether or Not to Interfere
97
1
Communications
98
6
Basic "Parent-Business" Principles
104
3
When the Going Gets Really Tough
107
1
An Example of a Good Working Relationship
108
2
How to Prepare for a "Parent-Business" Discussion
110
3
9. Mom's House, Dad's House: How to Make Them Homes
113
20
Two-Home Rewards
114
1
Your Hopes and Dreams as Parents
114
1
Parenting Patterns
115
3
Your Home
118
4
Child Care
122
3
Keeping in Touch with Your Children
125
2
Anchors for Teenagers
127
1
The Other Adults in Your Children's Lives
128
4
Back to a New Normal
132
1
10. Your Children: Giving Them Security and Continuity
133
24
Choices and Changes for Your Child
135
5
Keeping Children out of the Middle
140
4
Calming Your Children's Fears and Rebuilding Trust
144
6
How to Know When Your Child Needs Help
150
4
Trust Yourself, Trust Your Instincts
154
3
Part 3 THE LEGAL BUSINESS IS YOUR BUSINESS
157
98
11. The Legal Business: The Big Picture, Custody, and Making Major Decisions
157
26
The Big Picture
158
4
Attorneys
162
2
Custody, No Custody, Shared Custody
164
1
Custody: Some Common Legal Terms
165
3
Parents' Time with Their Children
168
3
The Children's Calendar
171
1
What Is Best for Your Child?
172
1
Ways to Share Time
172
7
Where Will You and Your Children Live?
179
1
Making Major Decisions for Your Child
180
1
Your Turn. What Do You Want?
181
2
12. Parenting Plans and Agreements: The Basic Elements
183
13
Anatomy of a Parenting Plan
184
1
What Goes into a Basic Parenting Plan
184
1
A Parenting Plan in Detail
185
1
Sample Standards of Conduct
186
5
Special Provisions
191
3
Private Contracts
194
2
13. How to Negotiate Your Own Agreements: A Step-by-Step Guide
196
23
Short-Term Private Agreements
198
1
Ten Tips on How to Negotiate
198
6
Major Steps for a Short-Term Agreement
204
1
Negotiating a Short-Term Agreement
205
5
Legal Agreements and Parenting Plans
210
1
The Long-Term Parenting Plan
210
5
Guidelines for Your Negotiations
215
3
Some Final Considerations
218
1
14. A Long-Term Parenting Plan: Working Out an Agreement on Your Own
219
14
The Meetings
221
4
The Result: A Parenting Plan
225
4
Wording Your Agreement
229
2
Your New United Front
231
2
15. Family Mediation: Getting Help to Stay Out of Court
233
22
What Is Family Mediation?
234
1
Frequently Asked Questions
235
6
Your Role in the Mediation Process Itself
241
1
Preparing for Negotiations
241
1
Example of a Mediation: Using Mediation for Both Legal and Private Agreements
242
13
Part 4 YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FUTURE
255
74
16. Your Family: Building Family Strength
255
14
Your Family
255
3
Garden-Variety Complaints
258
7
Holidays
265
4
17. Your Family Network: Opening Your Family to Others
269
11
Common Barriers to Extending Families
270
4
How to Begin an Extended Family and Acquaintance Network
274
3
When There Is No Other Parent
277
3
18. Long-Distance Parenting: How to Feel Close When You Are Far Apart
280
18
To Move or Not to Move Away
280
10
How to Feel Close When You Are Far Apart
290
4
Partings and Reunions
294
4
19. When an Absent Parent Returns: Things to Consider
298
10
How Children Feel When They Lose a Parent
299
6
The Price of Reentry--For Both Parents
305
1
When Reinvolvement Does Not Work: Two Homes with Friends and Relatives
306
2
20. Moving On: Bottlenecks and Breakthroughs
308
21
The Second Wave: Flashbacks
308
4
Remarriage: Your Own or the Other Parent's
312
6
Another Ending
318
1
A Change in School-Year Residence
319
3
Your Place in the Community
322
1
Graduations, Weddings, Family Fiestas
323
1
And Thanks for the Memory
324
5
Part 5 REFERENCES AND RESOURCES
329
40
For Professionals
329
2
Chapter Notes
331
12
Further Reading
343
4
Appendix 1: Information for Schools
347
2
Appendix 2: Attorneys
349
2
Appendix 3: Money--The Cost of Raising Children
351
5
Appendix 4: Private Contracts
356
5
Appendix 5: Mediation Confidentiality Agreement
361
1
Appendix 6: Finding a Mediator
362
2
Appendix 7: What Happens in Mediation
364
2
Appendix 8: A Guide for Choosing Child Care
366
3
Index
369