I can't get this cock ring off!

My girlfriend and I were making out and her Doberman snarled at me!

Extremely Complicated Instructions for Simple Stuff: How To Put On A Condom

But, officer, it's just a little sex party...

She was the best-looking woman at the nightclub... until I got her home. Then it turned out she wasn't a woman at all

Ewww, look at these sheets!

I thought it was a love bite, but I guess I bit down a little harder than I intended...

I'm pregnant, but I'm not sure who the father is

Hey, where'd the condom go?

I was right on the edge...and my vibrator quit. Please, please, please, I want my vibrator back!

I heard about this guy who got his tongue piercing caught on his girlfriend's clit hood piercing...

My daughter walked in on my partner and me while we were having sex!

Extremely Complicated Instructions for Simple Stuff: How To Shave Your Genitals

I had sex last night, and this morning I had a herpes outbreak. Could I have infected my partner? What can I do about it?

Ick -- I just found a gray public hair!

I brought this lady home for sex and I thought we'd had a nice time. But then she started ranting and crying and threatening to commit suicide!

My partner says I suck at oral sex

I just found out I have an STD. Who should I tell and how? And what if I can't find them?

I think my cat ate a used condom

Extremely Complicated Instructions for Simple Stuff: Every Man's Guide To Menstruation

I walked in on my child having sex

She just told me this is going to be her first time. Yikes!

During sex, my lover started acting really weird -- talking in a kid's voice and not responding to questions. I thought he was kidding, but he kept on doing it and it started to freak me out

My pussy's still sore from the other night, but that's not the problem. The problem is that now it hurts to pee

Well, I thought the two of us were having a great time. But the cop at the front door didn't seem so sure

I thought he'd consented to everything we did. But the next day he went to the cops and filed assault charges against me

I forgot to take my birth control pill!

I'm bleeding from my vagina

I've risen and I can't get down!

Extremely Complicated Instructions for Simple Stuff: Knowing Your Way Around Women's Underwear

I'm the original ``two pumps and a squirt'' guy. Is there any way I can last longer?

This hickey on my neck is going to be the subject of a very interesting discussion with my spouse if I can't figure out a way to get rid of it

I just got a call from this woman I had a fling with last month, and she says she's got an STD

It was the best orgasm ever. And then there was this blinding headache

Extremely Complicated Instructions for Simple Stuff: How To Clean Your Sex Toys

Oh. My. God. My lover just told me she's pregnant

Owowowowowow! (Vaginal penetration hurts me!)

I just found a whole bunch of women's lingerie and bondage gear in my husband's closet

My asshole is bleeding. Should I be worried?

Rrahhharraharrgh. (Translation: I was going down on my girlfriend and my jaw went out of joint.)

My ex has pictures and videos of us having sex... and I'm not sure where they might end up

She came. She screamed. She passed out

Extremely Complicated Instructions for Simple Stuff: How To Talk To Your Doctor About Sex

She changed her mind halfway through. Arrrrrrgggggghhhh!

My boyfriend was doing something reeeallly interesting to my balls -- and suddenly I had this agonizing pain in my right one and it won't go away

The earth moved. No, it wasn't an orgasm. I mean the earth moved

Owowowowowow, part two! (My penis and/or testicles hurt!)

Something is stuck in my butt and I can't get it out

Thanks, doc. Now I've got something stuck in my peehole

The condom broke. Help!

The first date was OK, but not all that great, and I didn't want to go out with her again. But now I'm getting all these e-mails and phone messages...

Extremely Complicated Instructions for Simple Stuff: The Sex Fiend's Health Calendar

The sex went fine. But now I've got this nasty itchy rash

There were supposed to be three of us in that bed -- her, me, and my erection. Only two of us showed up

Things were just starting to get good and he put on the condom... and then all of a sudden he turned red and started wheezing!

Well, she said she was eighteen...

We were having a great time, and suddenly there was a lot of blood everywhere. After we got done panicking, we realized her period had started

I was fisting my partner... and now she won't give my fist back!

Last night I suffered from [insert sexual dysfunction here]

He said I was doing it wrong, and then he got really angry at me and I got scared

She invited her best friend over for a threesome, and I was totally into it. And then things got weird

Extremely Complicated Instructions for Simple Stuff: Every Woman's Guide to Male Sexual Response

Well, the spanking was fun. But now there's this big swollen black-and-blue bruise that's really scary-looking

Well, my girlfriend was on top... and suddenly there was this snapping sound and YEOWW! And now my dick is black and blue, and hanging crooked. Doc, will I ever play the violin again?

See that door? It's locked from the inside. And my sweetie is in bondage on the other side of it

Appendix: The Big Bad Disasters

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